Chapter XII: Barkley
Manipulation Revisited
Barkley
I will forever love my dog, regardless of where he is now. In fact, I have to fight back the tears as I write this note. Barkley was a six week old chocolate lab that I purchased from a disability home for my wife. We had recently moved away from our long term childhood home due to employment (again) and could not take any pets. The reality was that the dogs left behind now actually belonged to our son Kevin. He was not ready to relinquish ownership. Ergo a void has been created, in-spite of the fact we had recently experienced becoming grandparents.
The next course of events should have been predictable if it were not for the fact I being plagued with a Scotoma (narrow focus on my work rather than the bigger picture). I received a call from our son telling me of a recent purchase or at least a hold on a Chocolate Lab puppy for his mother. Specifically, this was to divert her attention from attempting to abscond with his dog every time she visits (generally regular weekend visits). The quiet response to myself was, this is not a good idea, but I demonstrated excitement to our son for such a grandiose gesture.
Our son related to me that on this particular weekend, he knew his mother was not coming with me and we can go look at the litter and see if I can tell which puppy he had selected for his mother. I thought, what is the harm in looking at the puppies in order to appease him? I thought, what could it hurt to look at a litter of puppies? I would look and then let him down gently. I should explain to him how much his idea was appreciated, but that this would not be a good idea. Kevin and I went to the kennel. The first lesson learned is simply this: One never looks at puppies, they buy them. Immediately obvious to me was which of these little brown lumps of love Barkley was. From the moment I picked him up was the point of no return, no turning back, he owned me. Barkley owned me from that moment on, regardless what my wife’s opinion.
The excitement of that dog toward me, kissing me, wagging his tail, yelping, and snuggling in my arms. He owned me, he came into my life unwittingly, and he blew a hole in my heart like a tunnel through a mountain. The kennel we bought Barkley loaned me a cage to transport him. No, my dog was not going in a cage, he rode wrapped in a blanket for the next four hours in the front seat next to me. Albeit he slept the majority of the trip, sparingly raising his little brown head to see if I were still there, and yes I had one hand on the wheel and the other constantly petting Barkley. In a matter of Nano-seconds he transformed himself from that dog to my dog. As my new best friend came into my life he would eventually exit the same way, wagging his tail through my heart.
Now let me be very clear, my house is not different from most married men out there today. I am not in charge but neither are they. I may have an opinion, but it is my wife’s opinion that counts. Therefore, before the four hour journey home with a puppy, my new best friend, there had to be a plan. A way to divert my wife’s attention from the puppy. So why not take two puppies home, Barkley and our grandson Ryder. Ryder was two and what could be cuter than a grandson and a new puppy. The coldest of hearts would melt with this scenario.
My wife would fall in love with our new best friend. So my son loaned me our grandson for this caper and installed his car seat in the back seat of the car and Barkley in the front with me. We have now embarked on a coup of epic proportion compared only to the daring recovery of the Americans held hostage by an Iranian dictator. I flew off a text from one of our stops for a dog walk and a grandson stretch alerting her to a surprise. However the genius in me kept ignoring her repeated need to know; What Surprise! Barkley just could not grasp why I kept putting his play mate in a car seat out of his reach and he had to return to his blanket in the front.
We arrived at our home while my wife was still at work. Plan A was still going according to Hoyle. My pride had escalated to monumental proportion. What diabolical Machiavellian (cunning, scheming, and unscrupulous) person could have plotted and carried out a more ingenious plan other than me? The entire plot took a matter of minutes to conger up, boy am I good on the fly. That’s right me, my wife’s loving husband, partner, companion and side-kick for over 40 years had to lower himself to hiding behind our grandson in order to bring home a little brown lump of love. Too afraid to ask because of fearing the answer that may be awaiting.
The bewitching hour was here, my wife and Ryder’s Grandmother (one in the same) emerged from her car and within feet of our picket fence there stood her loving grandson and new best friend Barkley. I will never forget that moment when the first words out of this loving woman’s mouth: “What is this, what is this?” Mustering the courage of Teddy Roosevelt charging up San Juan Hill, I simply replied, “Ryder made me get him.” I said, “Isn’t that right Ryder buddy?” Ryder pointed at his new friend and said, “Gramma’s puppy.” Simply said it is a good thing my diet is familiar with cold shoulder and hot tongue. Well, that was grandma’s introduction to Barkley. The dog that has had a lasting impact on our lives for the next nine years. A dog that existed to provide unconditional love, to listen when no one else would, to put his head in your lap when he sensed times were tough or just to be your friend without reservation. Barkley wagged his tail into our hearts and left us in the same fashion. We had to have Barkley put down due to the insidious disease of cancer. Our partner in life that meant so much for nine short years, our friend that innocently provided constant filler in a void that we did not even know existed and he made sense of things when nothing or no one else could. Barkley was gone.
Now I do not know this is the correct thing to say but I think of Barkley everyday as I do of my Mother, Father, and Brothers that have passed on, but I still cry for Barkley. Ryder has since gotten a female Golden Retriever and he has made plans for puppies. He has divulged his devious plot to plant two puppies in our house; we get two puppies in order to replace Barkley. Now the shoe is on the other foot, it is my obligation and duty to discourage Ryder from his plan. I can only hope he does not recall how he and I introduced Barkley to Grandma. One may say, I have it coming.
Lessons Learned
Healthy one day, ill the next; good times prevail, uneasy periods loom; and a great organization to be part of, not so fast the sky is falling. Nothing is forever. Those things you have gained recognition for is now yesterday’s news, get on with it. A rule of thumb I regularly subscribe is: “Anything over 20.2 seconds is history, learn from it and move on.” Certainly, those in leadership roles most likely experience the proverbial good times as fleeting and far apart, none-the-less enjoy them in the moment. Celebrate the successes experienced, they mean something.
Leaders from time to time will also find themselves in the same ethical place as I using an unsuspecting grandson as a prop, however it worked. How then might a leader similarly situated rationally endorse a plan using unprincipled measures to secure their proposition?
I associate the preceding with “failing to plan is planning to fail” and I submit that taking things for granted is failing to plan. The lessons learned-Don’t take the good things in life for granted. On the other hand, it is sometimes better to beg for forgiveness rather than beg for permission. Then again, is it so critical that one remains absolute to one’s ethical being? Absolutely. Where does that fine line or boundary of ethical behavior dwell? The boundaries of ethics are correctly rigid, opportunistically bifurcated only through vindicating thought. Yet we all subject personal rationalization processes to rigidity and secretly beg for elasticity. Then are we unethical beings. I submit not.
The Tables Have Turned
On December 24th, 2018, Ryder’s dog (Beauty) gave birth to 11 puppies, Merry Christmas. Of course, my wife and I had to go see them. My wife found tremendous humor in our grandson’s plan to plant two puppies in our pantry. He knew he had to do something to help us (me) get over Barkley. I reminded her frequently of Ryder’s plot. She said with tremendous fervor, NO MORE DOGS! I could not disagree with her logic as puppies do require a great deal of attention and care. They become full grown and have their own set of attention requirements. Golden Retrievers shed constantly and who wants to put up with that. No more dogs. I realized two very immediate and important things at that moment. First, I had to have a puppy. Second, I have been married to Cruella de Vil (101 Dalmatians) for over forty years.
Every day for the next eight weeks each morning and night I would say, I want my puppy. The answer was the same, No! Time to call in the big guns, my son and grandson. Our son asked his mother one evening if you were to take one, what would you want a male or female? She said a male and I have a name picked out if I were to take one, Harley. The next day his collar read Harley. We were at lunch on a Saturday afternoon and grandma said lets go to your house Ryder. Ryder said oh, for a meet and greet with the puppies huh? You know grandma, Harley recognizes grandpa when he comes over.
Right up to the last minute the answer was always the same, No! My faithful companion and side kick grandson called grandma and pleaded a yes out of her in the waning moments of puppy deliveries to new owners. She cracked like a potato chip, with Ryders tears at the other end of the telephone. A new puppy officially registered as Harley Barkley Beauty’s Baby. Our new lump of love. Our new unconditional love bucket. At the time of this script Harley is six months old and mine.
Re-examine your take on manipulation as a method of accomplishing things through people. When might manipulation be useful? When might manipulation be permissive? Is manipulation tied to any specific style of leadership? Which one or ones might you select and why? Have you ever instituted manipulative behavior to get your way before?
Before you answer the latter of the questions posed, let me remind you that you can go to Hell for lying as well as for stealing! Do you have any siblings in your family? Belong to any organizations? Have pets? Are you a parent, teacher, organizer, or leader? Think about this one.